So my school has this thing called the “Condom Fairy”. You just go to the Student Health website and state your preferences. You can choose male and/or female condoms and weather or not you want lube. Then a few days later an envelope appears in your mailbox free of charge! Also with that cool little note about consent.
He’s crying (not whining, crying) because I’m eating almonds and they came in a zip up resealable bag the same shape and size as his dog treats and I’m not sharing. He thinks I’m eating dog treats. And it’s really hurting his feelings.
On this day last year, around almost exactly this time, I made the decision that I wanted to die.
I had said it in my head, I had screamed it out loud to my boyfriend at the time when he came home from the bar to verbally abuse me and tell me he had feelings for another girl, and break up with me a week before we were supposed to move in together and I had made my way to my dorm room to do it.
I cut myself for the first time in 2 years. I cut up my thighs and my sides with a pair of scissors that had been tempting me for months. When I ran out of space, I stopped and I held the scissors. I knew that If I wanted to, I could slit my wrists right there and no one would know or find me that late. So I stood there, thinking over and over that I was going to to it. I don’t remember what made me think of it, but instead of cutting my wrists, I called my mom.
The two years prior to that night were the most terrible of my life. I had a boyfriend that emotionally abused me so often that I lost my fire completely. 7 years of undiagnosed depression finally caught up with me. I’d been cutting and hiding it from my boyfriend and my friends when it hadn’t been a secret in the past. My boyfriend coerced me into sex that I could later identify as rape. I had lost a lot of weight the healthy way, but thought of nothing but fitness and exercise and getting smaller and smaller and smaller until I was nothing. I thought that was all life was. I thought that was as good as it gets.
I went home that night a week before exams and slept in my moms bed for a month. If I was awake, I was crying, and I was asleep most of the time. I didn’t eat. I didn’t see my friends. I layed in bed and did not move.
Today, 365 days later, I am the happiest I have ever been. I am 219 days completely self-harm free. I am 2 and a half weeks off my antidepressants after a year of taking them. I have a restraining order against my ex that abused me and we haven’t spoken since July of 2013. I work a part time job with a full time course load of a major and minor at UNCC and maintain a 3.0 GPA. I eat healthy foods and stay active. I go out with my friends and I have the most amazing, loving boyfriend I could ever ask for and his family loves me just as much when I only thought people could abuse me.
It has only been 365 days since that night, and I know, because when those things happen you count every single one of them. Day 1 is really hard. Day 14 is hard. Sometimes even day 200 can still be hard but in 365 days you can turn every single thing around and have a life you didn’t know was even possible.
So if you’re ever in your dorm room and you have a choice to make, tell a friend.